He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
