theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
