I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
