When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize