If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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