I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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