Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
