I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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