The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize