My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
