i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
