i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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