Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
the liver wants what the liver wants
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
