Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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