I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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