I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just had sex on a roof
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Randomize
