Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
