I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
