She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
