Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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