I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
