She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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