Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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