This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
