Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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