If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize