I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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