dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize