i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
