Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
