just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
