do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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