Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
