i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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