I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
