Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
