I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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