please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Found the puke drawer
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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