John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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