why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
