Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
