everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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