Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Randomize
