I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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