The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
