Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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