Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
