I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
