i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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