I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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