i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
