My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize