You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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