please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
