Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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