Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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