I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
