what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
