ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I need to stop coming to work sober
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Success! We fucked roommates!
soo... how was my night?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
