Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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