honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize