Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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