dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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