she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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