Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
