the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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