hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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