i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
