we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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