He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
