She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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