You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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