a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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