i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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